ROSIE (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
CHARLES SIMIC (caller): What I need is a seraph and a pig.
ROSIE: Uh…okay. Care to elaborate?
SIMIC: The pig to eat and the seraph to ask questions.
ROSIE: Like whether it’s OK to eat pork?
From “Back at the Chicken Shack” by Charles Simic
Rest in peace, Charles Simic (1938-2023)
CUSTOMER: Pardon me, do you have any fruit with theatrical training?
GROCER: Yes! We have Nō bananas!
KIM (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
NAOMI SHIHAB NYE (caller): When someone recognizes you in a grocery store
nod briefly and become a cabbage.
KIM: Or you could just pretend you never slaw them?
[From “The Art of Disappearing” by Naomi Shihab Nye]
ROSIE (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
CINDY JUYOUNG OK (caller): I’ve been eating trees my whole life.
ROSIE: Huh. I was just going to take mine to the curb.
MOORE: With Ma in her nightgown, and me in my cap
BREAKING:
It has come to our attention that “Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas” may have originally been written not by Clement Clarke Moore, but by Revolutionary War Major Henry Livingston, Jr.
This poses a conundrum for the cartoonist, as it calls into question what sort of cap the poet was wearing.
(continued from last week)
KIM (counselor): Country Music Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
DOLLY PARTON (caller): Jolene,
KIM: Ma’am, this is the Country Music Crisis Line.
PARTON: Jolene,
KIM: I think you may have the wrong number.
PARTON: Jolene, JO-LEE-EE-ENE,
KIM: There’s no Jolene here. Maybe I can help you?
PARTON: I’m begging of you, please don’t take my man.
KIM: I wasn’t planning on it, ma’am.
PARTON: Your beauty is beyond compare
KIM: Thank you!
PARTON: With flaming locks of auburn hair
KIM: Oh…um…hold on.
KIM (to Rosie): I think this call is for you.
The Poetry Crisis Line congratulates Dolly Parton on her recent induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (and apologizes for the rather poor likeness).
KIM (counselor): Country Music Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
DOLLY PARTON (caller): Jolene,
KIM: Ma’am, this is the Country Music Crisis Line.
PARTON: Jolene,
KIM: I think you may have the wrong number.
PARTON: Jolene, JO-LEE-EE-ENE,
KIM: There’s no Jolene here. Maybe I can help you?
PARTON: I’m begging of you, please don’t take my man.
KIM: I wasn’t planning on it, ma’am.
[unintelligible]*
____
*My name is Itt, and my pronouns are he/him.
PATIENCE (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
W.S. MERWIN (caller): Listen,
PATIENCE: That’s what I’m here for.
MERWIN: With the night falling we are saying thank you.
PATIENCE: You’re welcome. Uh…for what?
MERWIN: We are stopping on the bridges
PATIENCE: Is there traffic behind you?
MERWIN: To bow from the railings.
PATIENCE: Just don’t lean over too far, OK?
MERWIN: We are running
PATIENCE: On the railings?
MERWIN: Out of the glass rooms
PATIENCE: Please tell me you’re not throwing stones.
MERWIN: With our mouths full of food.
PATIENCE: Are you trying to make me worry?
MERWIN: To look at the sky
PATIENCE: Why? What’s happening?
MERWIN: And
PATIENCE: Please don’t tell me they’re bombing the parking lot with turkeys?
MERWIN: Say thank you.
PATIENCE: Um…thanks?
MERWIN: We are standing by the water
PATIENCE: Not too close, I hope?
MERWIN: Thanking it.
PATIENCE: Right. Gratitude is good. But have you considered not engaging in risky behavior?
MERWIN: Standing by
PATIENCE: I mean as a proactive choice.
(to the tune of “A Girl Like You” by The Smithereens)
You can say anything you want to believe,
I just don’t give a @#!?
You can be anyone you want (except me)
For the monthly cost of just eight bucks…
[Elon Busk]