Samuel Taylor Coleridge calls the Poetry Crisis Line

COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?

CALLER: In Xanadu did Kubla Khan / A stately pleasure-dome decree:

COUNSELOR: No sir, Khan was in Star Trek II; Xanadu starred Olivia Newton-John.

CALLER: Where Alph,

COUNSELOR: ALF was only on TV, sir. I don’t know if his planet was in the Federation.

CALLER: the sacred river, ran

COUNSELOR: –through it?

CALLER: Through caverns measureless to man

COUNSELOR: I think that was in Tremors. Did you just call me to ask about movie trivia?

If All Poems Were Limericks: “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

A man shot a bird on a boat,
Then helplessly drifted afloat
Until he learned mercy,
But he’d earned this curse–he
Must keep on repeating, by rote:

“A man shot a bird on a boat,

The Ancient Mariner Calls the Poetry Crisis Line.

COUNSELOR     Poetry Crisis Line. What is your emergency?

CALLER:      Water…

COUNSELOR:      Are you thirsty, sir?

CALLER:      …water…everywhere…

COUNSELOR:      Are you on land? Is there a risk of drowning?

CALLER:      …and all the boards…

COUNSELOR:      I’m confused. There’s water on your floorboards?

CALLER:     …did shrink.

COUNSELOR:      I’m not a shrink. I’m working on my MFA.

CALLER:     Water…

COUNSELOR:      So you ARE thirsty?

CALLER:    …water everywhere…

COUNSELOR:      Oh, right. Haven’t we been over this?

CALLER:     …nor any drop to drink.

COUNSELOR:      Sir, I think you’ve had enough to drink already.