COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
CALLER: In Xanadu did Kubla Khan / A stately pleasure-dome decree:
COUNSELOR: No sir, Khan was in Star Trek II; Xanadu starred Olivia Newton-John.
CALLER: Where Alph,
COUNSELOR: ALF was only on TV, sir. I don’t know if his planet was in the Federation.
CALLER: the sacred river, ran
COUNSELOR: –through it?
CALLER: Through caverns measureless to man
COUNSELOR: I think that was in Tremors. Did you just call me to ask about movie trivia?
A man shot a bird on a boat,
Then helplessly drifted afloat
Until he learned mercy,
But he’d earned this curse–he
Must keep on repeating, by rote:
“A man shot a bird on a boat,
COUNSELOR Poetry Crisis Line. What is your emergency?
COUNSELOR: Are you thirsty, sir?
COUNSELOR: Are you on land? Is there a risk of drowning?
CALLER: …and all the boards…
COUNSELOR: I’m confused. There’s water on your floorboards?
CALLER: …did shrink.
COUNSELOR: I’m not a shrink. I’m working on my MFA.
COUNSELOR: So you ARE thirsty?
CALLER: …water everywhere…
COUNSELOR: Oh, right. Haven’t we been over this?
CALLER: …nor any drop to drink.
COUNSELOR: Sir, I think you’ve had enough to drink already.