A summary of the final 2020 Presidential Debate

Yeah, we may be kind of political for the next couple of weeks.

CHRIS WALLACE: You will meet two men. One always lies. One sort of tells the truth. I can’t tell you which is which because I work for Fox.
KRISTEN WELKER: [to Wallace] I got this. [to candidates]: Who would your opponent tell me to vote for?
BOTH CANDIDATES: Donald Trump.
WALLACE: I told you they were inscrutable.
WELKER: [serious side-eye]
TRUMP [internal monologue]: Nailed it!

 

Memorandum from the Commission on Presidential Debate Drinking Games

MEMORANDUM FROM THE COMMISSION ON PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE DRINKING GAMES

 

In light of recent events, the Commission on Presidential Debate Drinking Games (CPDDG) has made adjustments to the rules for the final Debate Drinking Game of 2020.

In the interest of public health and safety, we no longer recommend drinking every time Vice President Biden rambles or begins a sentence with “Here’s the deal,” as this can result in alcohol poisoning or liver toxicity. Likewise, to avoid severe liver toxicity, we do not recommend that players drink each time the President

  • Lies
  • Interrupts
  • Insults his opponent
  • Lies again

For a more balanced drinking game, CPDDG recommends drinking if:

  • An insect lands on either participant
  • The moderator needs to use a taser or air horn
  • Trump interrupts so loudly you can hear it through Biden’s microphone
  • You want to cheer Biden on for saying something that would ordinarily cross a line

We consider it reasonable to drain your glass if

  • Biden loses his cool
  • Either candidate says something comprehensible and concise
  • Trump tells the truth

You may also drain your glass if Trump

  • Doesn’t show up (you might as well, since you bothered to pour it)
  • Shows up but refuses a COVID test
  • Shows up at all (we consider it inhumane to expect anyone to listen to him while sober)

Also, in light of recent videos that have surfaced online, the CPDDG recommends replacing the canceled debate with a dance-off between President Trump and Senator Harris. This will make possible a multi-day drinking game. In the days following the dance-off, we propose that you drink

  • Whenever Trump or his surrogates insist, against evidence, that the President won the dance-off
  • Whenever Trump or his surrogates claim it was unfair because Senator Harris had a “natural advantage”

You may drain your glass when these surrogates try to walk back the “natural advantage” claim, and insist that it didn’t mean what it sounds like.