(to the tune of “A Girl Like You” by The Smithereens)
You can say anything you want to believe,
I just don’t give a @#!?
You can be anyone you want (except me)
For the monthly cost of just eight bucks…
[Elon Busk]
(to the tune of “A Girl Like You” by The Smithereens)
You can say anything you want to believe,
I just don’t give a @#!?
You can be anyone you want (except me)
For the monthly cost of just eight bucks…
[Elon Busk]
DR FAUCI (counselor): Poetry Epidemiology Line, what is your public health crisis?
LEONARD COHEN (caller): If you want a lover, I’ll
do anything you ask me to.
FAUCI: Will you get vaccinated?
COHEN: And if you want a different kind of love, I’ll wear a mask for you.
FAUCI: That’s what I’m asking everyone to do, yes.
From the President’s Joint Address to Congress, April 28, 2021 (paraphrased in the presidential Twitter account).
COUNSELOR: Policy Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
PRESIDENT BIDEN (caller): Trickle-down economics has never worked.
COUNSELOR: So what do you think we should do about it?
BIDEN: It’s time to grow the economy from the ground up and the middle out.
COUNSELOR: Well said! Just once I’d like to hear someone in Washington say that.
See Part 1 here (or see the 3 pages together below).
Congratulations to newly inaugurated President Joe Biden (who quoted from the same play in his acceptance speech at the Democratic Convention). May we all make it through the lengthy healing process.
JERRY (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
THE CURE (chorus): Human beings suffer
JERRY: Philosophers have written a great deal on the question of why people suffer.
THE CURE: They torture one another
JERRY: That is one reason.
THE CURE: They get hurt and get hard.
JERRY: As long as it’s consensual.
THE CURE: No poem or play or song can fully right a wrong inflicted and endured.
JERRY: So we’re talking about a lengthy healing process?
Excerpted from The Cure at Troy by Seamus Heaney
An early happy Armistice Day/Veterans Day from the Poetry Crisis Line!
CHURCHILL: A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, wrapped in bacon, then wrapped in tinfoil—the order is very important here. Then in cellophane, again, the sequence matters. Then in phyllo dough. I mean…
*@#%!
Can we shoot this again?
Because of the gravity of the current election, the Poetry Crisis Line is taking the unprecedented step of endorsing a presidential candidate for the first time in our three-year history.
The Poetry Crisis Line endorses Joe Biden, who knows firsthand the therapeutic value of poetry, yet who understands that words alone cannot replace a health care plan. We also appreciate Mr. Biden’s positions on climate change, biodiversity loss, and preserving our democratic institutions, so that we will continue to have a country to write poetry in and a planet to read it on. These plans may not be enough on their own, but they give us a beginning on which we can build. And his economic plans will support a strong economy and a stronger middle class. Of course, poets aren’t expected to understand economics, but we seem to understand it better than the current president.
Mr. Biden’s opponent has staked out positions on a range of issues, including bullying, corruption, police brutality, sexual assault, child abuse, global warming, dictators, and the spread of COVID-19. Unfortunately, these positions always seems to be in favor.
Some say he only seems to take this position because of biased coverage, since the criticism comes from left-wing figures like…uh… John Bolton, and establishment media darlings like…um…Noam Chomsky. In reply, the Poetry Crisis Line must acknowledge that we, too, are biased against bullying, corruption, police brutality, sexual assault, child abuse, global warming, dictators, and the spread of COVID-19—and we hope you are too.
By contrast, Biden is a relatable protagonist—seasoned, familiar with loss and grief, with a long road ahead. There is still room for character growth, and some outcomes are still unknown—yet after the past four years, we hope the audience understands that democracy is an interactive performance, and depends on all of us doing our part, at elections and in between. And in an interactive performance, it will be good to have a protagonist who listens, for a change.
Yeah, we may be kind of political for the next couple of weeks.
CHRIS WALLACE: You will meet two men. One always lies. One sort of tells the truth. I can’t tell you which is which because I work for Fox.
KRISTEN WELKER: [to Wallace] I got this. [to candidates]: Who would your opponent tell me to vote for?
BOTH CANDIDATES: Donald Trump.
WALLACE: I told you they were inscrutable.
WELKER: [serious side-eye]
TRUMP [internal monologue]: Nailed it!
In light of recent events, the Commission on Presidential Debate Drinking Games (CPDDG) has made adjustments to the rules for the final Debate Drinking Game of 2020.
In the interest of public health and safety, we no longer recommend drinking every time Vice President Biden rambles or begins a sentence with “Here’s the deal,” as this can result in alcohol poisoning or liver toxicity. Likewise, to avoid severe liver toxicity, we do not recommend that players drink each time the President
For a more balanced drinking game, CPDDG recommends drinking if:
We consider it reasonable to drain your glass if
You may also drain your glass if Trump
Also, in light of recent videos that have surfaced online, the CPDDG recommends replacing the canceled debate with a dance-off between President Trump and Senator Harris. This will make possible a multi-day drinking game. In the days following the dance-off, we propose that you drink
You may drain your glass when these surrogates try to walk back the “natural advantage” claim, and insist that it didn’t mean what it sounds like.