The Poetry Crisis Line’s presidential endorsement

 

Because of the gravity of the current election, the Poetry Crisis Line is taking the unprecedented step of endorsing a presidential candidate for the first time in our three-year history.

 

 

 

The Poetry Crisis Line endorses Joe Biden, who knows firsthand the therapeutic value of poetry, yet who understands that words alone cannot replace a health care plan. We also appreciate Mr. Biden’s positions on climate change, biodiversity loss, and preserving our democratic institutions, so that we will continue to have a country to write poetry in and a planet to read it on. These plans may not be enough on their own, but they give us a beginning on which we can build. And his economic plans will support a strong economy and a stronger middle class. Of course, poets aren’t expected to understand economics, but we seem to understand it better than the current president.

Mr. Biden’s opponent has staked out positions on a range of issues, including bullying, corruption, police brutality, sexual assault, child abuse, global warming, dictators, and the spread of COVID-19. Unfortunately, these positions always seems to be in favor.

Some say he only seems to take this position because of biased coverage, since the criticism comes from left-wing figures like…uh… John Bolton, and establishment media darlings like…um…Noam Chomsky. In reply, the Poetry Crisis Line must acknowledge that we, too, are biased against bullying, corruption, police brutality, sexual assault, child abuse, global warming, dictators, and the spread of COVID-19—and we hope you are too.

By contrast, Biden is a relatable protagonist—seasoned, familiar with loss and grief, with a long road ahead. There is still room for character growth, and some outcomes are still unknown—yet after the past four years, we hope the audience understands that democracy is an interactive performance, and depends on all of us doing our part, at elections and in between. And in an interactive performance, it will be good to have a protagonist who listens, for a change.

 

A summary of the final 2020 Presidential Debate

Yeah, we may be kind of political for the next couple of weeks.

CHRIS WALLACE: You will meet two men. One always lies. One sort of tells the truth. I can’t tell you which is which because I work for Fox.
KRISTEN WELKER: [to Wallace] I got this. [to candidates]: Who would your opponent tell me to vote for?
BOTH CANDIDATES: Donald Trump.
WALLACE: I told you they were inscrutable.
WELKER: [serious side-eye]
TRUMP [internal monologue]: Nailed it!

 

Memorandum from the Commission on Presidential Debate Drinking Games

MEMORANDUM FROM THE COMMISSION ON PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE DRINKING GAMES

 

In light of recent events, the Commission on Presidential Debate Drinking Games (CPDDG) has made adjustments to the rules for the final Debate Drinking Game of 2020.

In the interest of public health and safety, we no longer recommend drinking every time Vice President Biden rambles or begins a sentence with “Here’s the deal,” as this can result in alcohol poisoning or liver toxicity. Likewise, to avoid severe liver toxicity, we do not recommend that players drink each time the President

  • Lies
  • Interrupts
  • Insults his opponent
  • Lies again

For a more balanced drinking game, CPDDG recommends drinking if:

  • An insect lands on either participant
  • The moderator needs to use a taser or air horn
  • Trump interrupts so loudly you can hear it through Biden’s microphone
  • You want to cheer Biden on for saying something that would ordinarily cross a line

We consider it reasonable to drain your glass if

  • Biden loses his cool
  • Either candidate says something comprehensible and concise
  • Trump tells the truth

You may also drain your glass if Trump

  • Doesn’t show up (you might as well, since you bothered to pour it)
  • Shows up but refuses a COVID test
  • Shows up at all (we consider it inhumane to expect anyone to listen to him while sober)

Also, in light of recent videos that have surfaced online, the CPDDG recommends replacing the canceled debate with a dance-off between President Trump and Senator Harris. This will make possible a multi-day drinking game. In the days following the dance-off, we propose that you drink

  • Whenever Trump or his surrogates insist, against evidence, that the President won the dance-off
  • Whenever Trump or his surrogates claim it was unfair because Senator Harris had a “natural advantage”

You may drain your glass when these surrogates try to walk back the “natural advantage” claim, and insist that it didn’t mean what it sounds like.