Happy Presidents Day from the Poetry Crisis Line!
PATIENCE (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN (caller): My childhood’s home I see again, and sadden with the view.
PATIENCE: These are difficult times, sir. Many people have had to move back home. There’s no shame in it. And if watching The View makes you sad, you can change the channel.
From “My Childhood Home I See Again” by Abraham Lincoln.
COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is the issue you’re calling for?
CALLER: Four score
COUNSELOR: I’m sorry, sir. I can talk you through your feelings, but that is beyond the scope of this service.
CALLER: and
COUNSELOR: Whatever you’re looking for, I cannot help you score.
CALLER: seven years ago
COUNSELOR: I don’t know who was working the phone lines then.
CALLER: our fathers
COUNSELOR: No kidding! Your dad worked here too?
CALLER: brought forth
COUNSELOR: That’s different. We only have three shifts now.
CALLER: on this continent
COUNSELOR: Oh, I meant work shifts, not plate tectonics.
CALLER: a new nation.
COUNSELOR: That’s some serious continental drift. When did you say your father worked here?
CALLER: dedicated
COUNSELOR: I’m sure he was. Everyone I’ve met here is very dedicated to the job.
CALLER: to the proposition
COUNSELOR: Oh. Uh. . . still trying to score then? Because that’s not something that I–
CALLER: that all men
COUNSELOR: Uh, did you mean #notallmen?
CALLER: are create equal.
COUNSELOR: Well, that’s true. But what about the woman? How do her feelings fit in?
CALLER: Now we are engaged.
COUNSELOR: That was quick.
CALLER: in a civil
COUNSELOR: I mean seriously, a minute ago you were trying to score, and now you’re engaged, and in a civil union?
CALLER: war,
COUNSELOR: What?
CALLER: testing
COUNSELOR: Oh, good. For a moment I thought you were serious. So were you actually talking about the–
CALLER: whether
COUNSELOR: I can’t do anything about that.
CALLER: that nation
COUNSELOR: Uh, is this the same one you were talking about before?
CALLER: or any nation
COUNSELOR: Not very picky, then?
CALLER: so
COUNSELOR: I’m just saying, you might want to stop, smell the roses, get to know this woman you’re talking to before she’s–
CALLER: conceived
COUNSELOR: Already?
CALLER: and so dedicated
COUNSELOR: Yes, you do sound dedicated. I don’t know how anyone can–
CALLER: can long endure.
COUNSELOR: Uh, forgive me for saying this sir, but it sounds to me like it must’ve been lightning quick.