WILLIAM: The plums were lovely, dark and deep, an–
Scratch that. It just seemed to creep in.
So much depends on your forgiveness. I don’t know if I can live this
down. My face is glazed with tears and, near my mouth and thumb,
the sweet and sticky juices of plums, plums, plums, plums plums, plums PLUMS!
WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS: In the icebox there were plums, and I have eaten every one, and
only then I thought about what you had bought them for.
Sheepishly, I ask in sorrow, what now will we eat tomorrow?
They were sweet and cold, and on my knees I now implore:
Will you forgive me?
FLORENCE WILLIAMS: Nevermore.
I have changed
the bulbs
that were in
the streetlamp
and which
were previously
lighting
the sidewalks.
Forgive me.
I like it
so dark
and so calm.
WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
OZYMANDIAS (caller): Look on my works, ye mighty , and DESPAIR!
WILLIAMS: I have eaten de spare that was in the icebox.
Any resemblance between Ozymandias and actual arrogant despots approaching irrelevancy is purely intentional.
The Poetry Crisis Line tries to stay out of politics, but sometimes politicians won’t stay out of poetry. So after Ken Cuccinelli, Acting Director of US Citizenship and Immigration Services, suggested corrections to “The New Colossus” by Emma Lazarus (aka, the “Statue of Liberty Poem”), we asked Mr. Cuccinelli if there were any other classic poems he’d like to rewrite. He gave us the following:
Emma Lazarus*
Give me your tired, your poor who can stand on their own two feet
and who will not become a public charge.
William Carlos Williams†
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
because
they coud not
pay for
their housing
Forgive me
they were lazy
and after
my job
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Water, water everywhere
But not a drop to drink
Unless you can afford to pay
For access to the sink
William Blake
Tyger! Tyger! Burning bright
In the forest of the night,
If you come here to the States,
You’d better sell some Frosted Flakes.
____
*Mr Cuccinelli’s suggested revision.
†We made the rest of these up.
COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
CALLER: My wife’s new pink slippers
have gay pom-poms.
COUNSELOR: Is it any of your business? And how can you tell?
CALLER: There is not a spot or a stain
on their satin toes or their sides.
COUNSELOR: Hmm. But they could be metrosexual.
CALLER: All night they lie together
under her bed’s edge.
COUNSELOR: OK, that’s more convincing. But slippers just stay together.
CALLER: Shivering I catch sight of them
COUNSELOR: Oh!
CALLER: and smile,
COUNSELOR: I’m glad you’re comfortable with it. But please don’t watch them. They may want their privacy.
Read the original here
I seem to have eaten the plums
you were saving ’til morningtime comes–
so sweet, and so cold.
So, now that we’re old,
forgive me for acting so dumb?
