Ken Cuccinelli rewrites more classic poems

The Poetry Crisis Line tries to stay out of politics, but sometimes politicians won’t stay out of poetry. So after Ken Cuccinelli, Acting Director of US Citizenship and Immigration Services, suggested corrections to “The New Colossus” by Emma Lazarus (aka, the “Statue of Liberty Poem”), we asked Mr. Cuccinelli if there were any other classic poems he’d like to rewrite. He gave us the following:

 

Emma Lazarus*

Give me your tired, your poor who can stand on their own two feet
and who will not become a public charge.

William Carlos Williams†

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

because
they coud not
pay for
their housing

Forgive me
they were lazy
and after
my job

 

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Water, water everywhere
But not a drop to drink
Unless you can afford to pay
For access to the sink

 

William Blake

Tyger! Tyger! Burning bright
In the forest of the night,
If you come here to the States,
You’d better sell some Frosted Flakes.

 

____

*Mr Cuccinelli’s suggested revision.

†We made the rest of these up.

Lady Liberty calls the Poetry Crisis Line

COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?

CALLER: Not like the brazen giant

COUNSELOR: I do not like him either. Though I don’t think he’s as big a deal as he claims. And he seems to have lost a lot of stature since the election.

CALLER: of Greek fame,

COUNSELOR: They had frats at his fake university?

CALLER: With conquering limbs

COUNSELOR: (snicker) –and tiny hands–

CALLER: astride from land to land;

COUNSELOR: Yep. I think Mueller’s about to prove that.

CALLER: Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates

COUNSELOR: Is that it then? Do you think it’s nightfall? Or do you think America–

CALLER: shall stand

COUNSELOR: I’m so glad to hear it. So who do you pick for 2020?

CALLER: A mighty woman

COUNSELOR: Gillibrand? Harris? Duckworth?

CALLER: with a torch,

COUNSELOR: Agent Scully? In the US we call them flashlights. But I think she’s Canadian.

CALLER: whose flame / Is the imprisoned lightning,

COUNSELOR: The new Thor from the comics?

CALLER: and her name

COUNSELOR: I don’t remember it either, but yeah, Thor is a woman now.

CALLER: Mother of Exiles.

COUNSELOR: I’m not up on that comic, but I think Rogue is the mother of Mimic, and Scarlet Witch is the mother of Nocturne.

CALLER: From her beacon-hand

COUNSELOR: [sings] Call me Beacon Hand. Any relation to Judge Learned Hand? Of course, the Crimson Tide went blue on Tuesday.

CALLER: Glows world-wide welcome;

COUNSELOR: That was welcome news. Did you see what Maxine Waters said?

CALLER: her mild eyes

COUNSELOR: I’ll take that as a no.

CALLER: command / The air-bridged harbor

COUNSELOR: Wait…are we talking about Wonder Woman now?

CALLER: that twin cities

COUNSELOR: Al Franken? I was kind of upset when I heard that he was–

CALLER: frame.

COUNSELOR: You think he was framed? I mean, it’s clear that there was a smear campaign, but that doesn’t mean–

CALLER: “Keep

COUNSELOR: I know, my opinions out of it, or I’ll have to go to retraining again. I’m just so jazzed after Tuesday. So what issues are important to you?

CALLER: ancient lands,

COUNSELOR: So, protecting native heritage and national parks…

CALLER: your storied pomp!”

COUNSELOR: …free speech…

CALLER: cries she

COUNSELOR: …women’s issues…

CALLER: With silent lips.

COUNSELOR: …a voice for survivors…

CALLER: “Give me your tired,

COUNSELOR: …a shorter work day…

CALLER: your poor,

COUNSELOR: … and a living wage …

CALLER: Your huddled masses

COUNSELOR: … health care for cancer patients…

CALLER: yearning to breathe free,

COUNSELOR: …air quality…

CALLER: The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

COUNSELOR: And superfund cleanup. Got it. But what shall we do with all the garbage garbage garbage garbage.

CALLER: Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

COUNSELOR: You’re very generous to offer, but–

CALLER: I lift my lamp

COUNSELOR: Shine on, you crazy diamond. But is it really your job to enlighten the world?

CALLER: beside the golden door!”

COUNSELOR: Oh, I get it–it’s a civil disobedience thing. We should send our trash to Dump Tower, like sending used tampons to Creepy Veep. I love it!

 

[click here to read the original by Emma Lazarus]