The Red-Eye Flight of Paul Revere

“Our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports.”
[From a recent presidential account of the American Revolution]

 

Listen, my children, and you will hear

Of the red-eye flight of Paul Revere.

On a humid, hot, and sticky night,

Having shown up two hours before his flight,

He had to get to Gate C9

After spending an hour and a half in line.

He said, “Hardly anyone still alive

Would rather go through this than drive.”

Only when he reached the font of the crowd

Did he learn how many bags were allowed:

“One if by land, two if by sea,

But you’re going by air, so there is a small fee.”

So he paid the fee and checked his bags,

And the baggage clerk affixed the tags.

 

But before he could be on his way,

He had to pass the TSA,

Who made him take off his belt and shoes

And his tricorn hat before he went through,

But still the metal detector buzzed

And he had to deal with the rent-a-fuzz,

Who said to him, “Now listen here, sport,

Who wears brass buttons to the airport?”

 

They took him to chamber where

They stripped him to his underwear,

And inch by inch, with latexed hand

Confirmed he had no contraband.

They let him go, in Concourse C

The clock on the wall read 12:03.

 

To make his flight, he would have to run

Past the Starbucks and the Cinnabon,

And zip right past the Chik-Fil-A

(not that he ate there anyway),

Past the Dairy Queen, the Burger King,

The Buffalo with Wild Wings,

The newsstand and the duty-free,

The shoeshine and the Mickey D’s

The T.G.I. Friday’s, the P.F. Chang,

The V.I.P. Club, the Sturm & Drang’s

The Taco Bell, the Einstein Brothers,

The Jamba Juice…and many others.

 

And when he reached his gate at last

And handed over his boarding pass

His breath was short; his shirt was wet,

And all his body soaked in sweat;

His coat was torn, his cravat askew,

And the sole was flopping off one shoe.

A woman standing at the gate

Explained, “You’re nearly an hour late.”

 

“So I missed my flight?” he asked. “What? No—

We just started boarding the first five rows.”

So he waited in line, and he shuffled his feet

And finally boarded, and took his seat

In front of a boy with spiked blond hair

Who kicked the seat all the way to O’Hare.

Ken Cuccinelli rewrites more classic poems

The Poetry Crisis Line tries to stay out of politics, but sometimes politicians won’t stay out of poetry. So after Ken Cuccinelli, Acting Director of US Citizenship and Immigration Services, suggested corrections to “The New Colossus” by Emma Lazarus (aka, the “Statue of Liberty Poem”), we asked Mr. Cuccinelli if there were any other classic poems he’d like to rewrite. He gave us the following:

 

Emma Lazarus*

Give me your tired, your poor who can stand on their own two feet
and who will not become a public charge.

William Carlos Williams†

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

because
they coud not
pay for
their housing

Forgive me
they were lazy
and after
my job

 

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Water, water everywhere
But not a drop to drink
Unless you can afford to pay
For access to the sink

 

William Blake

Tyger! Tyger! Burning bright
In the forest of the night,
If you come here to the States,
You’d better sell some Frosted Flakes.

 

____

*Mr Cuccinelli’s suggested revision.

†We made the rest of these up.

If You Think I’m Uncivil

 

A Guillotine has to stay hungry

to keep her competitive edge—

she likes to stay sharp, like she’s stringing a harp

when trimming a neck or a hedge.

 

She breakfasts on kings and on princes

and lunches on bishops and earls

and, finally, dines on whatever she finds—

like dissidents or little girls.

 

The Guillotine likes to stay hungry;

she knows all the right strings to pull—

she gobbles up everyone there in the Square

but never appears to be full.

 

She comes to the party invited

but stays when the other guests go,

and if you request that she help with the mess

she’ll cut you off with a sharp no.

 

The Guillotine’s constantly hungry;

she can’t seem to master the urge.

She’s much too impatient to learn moderation;

it’s always a binge—and a purge.

 

She breakfasts on royals and nobles

and lunches on bishops and priests

and finally dines on whoever opines

that maybe it’s time she should cease.

 

The Queen of Cheese Presents: The True Story of Columbus

In Fourteen Hundred and Ninety-Two

Columbus tried an open shoe

And found a lady living there

With lots of kids (but none to spare).

He called it a discovery

And, therefore, his sole property,

But when he called for golden rocks,

They sent him off with oldish socks

Because (the textbooks won’t tell you)

He was a stinker, through and through.