Self-defense against fresh fruit (revisited)

SELF-DEFENSE INSTRUCTOR: What do you do if someone comes at you with a banana?
STUDENT 1: Oi!
STUDENT 3: It’s a pandemic!
STUDENT 2: Put a condom on that thing!
INSTRUCTOR: A condom? On a banana?
STUDENT 2: Fancies ‘imself an instructor.
STUDENT 3: An’ ‘e’s never put a condom on a banana.
STUDENT 2: It’s all I remember from secondary school.

R. Buckminster Fuller calls the Architecture Crisis Line

Happy 126th birthday to R. Buckminster Fuller!

TED (counselor): Architecture Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
R. BUCKMINSTER FULLER (caller): Everything you’ve learned in school as “obvious” becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe.
TED: Maybe that could inspire you to come up with new ideas.
FULLER: For example, there are no solids in the universe.
TED: That would make it hard to do construction. 
FULLER: There’s not even a suggestion of a solid.
TED: Is there a suggestion box? Maybe you can write one in.
FULLER: There are no absolute continuums.
TED: Are there pens?
FULLER: There are no surfaces.
TED: Right. Maybe you can put the suggestion card on your knee to fill it out?
FULLER: There are no straight lines.
TED: Don’t be embarrassed about your handwriting. I’m sure somebody will be able to read it.

D.H. Rumsfeld calls the Poetry Crisis Line

ROSIE (COUNSELOR): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?

D.H. RUMSFELD (CALLER): As we know,  / There are known knowns.

ROSIE:  I see.

D.H. RUMSFELD: There are things we know we know.

ROSIE: But can we truly know anything?

D.H. RUMSFELD: We also know / There are known unknowns.

ROSIE: You’re tripping me out, man.

D.H. RUMSFELD: That is to say / We know there are some things / We do not know.

ROSIE: I know!

D.H. RUMSFELD: But there are also unknown unknowns,

ROSIE: Wow, that’s deep.

D.H. RUMSFELD: The ones we don’t know

ROSIE: Like the sound of one hand clapping.

D.H. RUMSFELD: We don’t know.

ROSIE: Namaste, my brother. Namaste.

KIM (COWORKER): Who was that?

ROSIE: I don’t know. Some hippie.

A conversation between Luigi Pirandello and Mel Brooks

Happy birthday to Luigi Pirandello, who is 154 years old today, and Mel Brooks, who is holding steady at 2000.

LUIGI PIRANDELLO: Life is full of infinite absurdities, which, strangely enough, do not even need to appear plausible, since they are true.
MEL BROOKS: Humor is just another defense against the universe.
PIRANDELLO: Each of us, face to face with other men, is clothed with some sort of dignity,
BROOKS: But I have bad taste with a deep fount of intellectuality.
PIRANDELLO:  but we know only too well the unspeakable things that go on in the heart.
BROOKS: Everything we do is based on fear, especially love.
PIRANDELLO: If only we could see in advance all the harm that can come from the good we think we are doing.
BROOKS: As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.