Happy 138th birthday to A.A. Milne!
POOH: The election was stolen from us, by which I mean that they counted all of the votes, when if they had only counted some of them, we would have one, and oh bother, that didn’t come out the way I intended, by which I mean that it is what I meant but not what I wanted you to hear, but if we all throw a big enough tantrum, then maybe they might just let us win?
OWL’S SIGN: I can spel 2sday!
WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
OZYMANDIAS (caller): Look on my works, ye mighty , and DESPAIR!
WILLIAMS: I have eaten de spare that was in the icebox.
Any resemblance between Ozymandias and actual arrogant despots approaching irrelevancy is purely intentional.
A professional artist I met while in high school once told me never to apologize for my own work. But I sometimes make an exception when something might be misconstrued. So I need to clarify that my intent here is not to ridicule anyone for weirdness. Weird is wonderful. Weird makes the world a more beautiful and wonderful place. But seeing my kind of weird used in service of insurrection and attempting to overturn a legitimate US election, I felt violated, and I drew this. Weird is wonderful, but treason is treason.
PSEUDO-SHAMAN:
Buffalo gals, won’t you
come out tonight,
come out tonight,
come out tonight?
Buffalo gals, won’t you
come out tonight
and clash like a right-wing baboon?
SIGN:
Q sent me
[picture of Q*bert]
DINGBAT:
I’m Donald J. Trump and I approve of these methods.
If you speak I won’t answer at all;
don’t expect me to come when you call.
It’s a sort of a game—
see, I’ve hidden my name
someplace secret, and silent, and small.
I may eventually post something relevant to yesterday’s events. But today is my birthday, so I am featuring myself.
Read the original here.
COUNSELOR: Rock & Roll Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
RAY CHARLES (caller): Just an old sweet song keeps Georgia on my mind.
COUNSELOR: I hear you. Georgia’s been on a lot of minds lately.
If you’re a citizen of the state of Georgia, don’t forget to vote tomorrow (Tuesday, January 5)!
Happy New Year from the Poetry Crisis Line!
From “December 31st” by Richard Hoffman
KIM (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
RICHARD HOFFMAN (caller): All my undone actions wander naked across the calendar
KIM: I guess that’s one way to look for a date.
New Conspiracy Theory: What if the reason Dolly Parton helped fund vaccine research was so that she wouldn’t have to rewrite her old songs?
DOLLY:
Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine, vacci-i-ine!
Until we get one, please don’t shake my hand!
ROSIE (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
CLEMENT CLARKE MOORE: ‘Twas the night before Christmas
ROSIE: ‘Tis!
MOORE: When—
ROSIE: Right now!
MOORE: All through the house
ROSIE: All through the Western Hemisphere!
From “A Visit from St. Nicholas,” by Clement Clarke Moore
Happy Solstice, everyone!
COUNSELOR (unidentifiable in snowstorm): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
ROBERT FROST (presumably–also unidentifiable): Whose woods these are I think I know.
COUNSELOR: How can you tell?
FROST: His house is in the village, though.
COUNSELOR: Can you get your bearings?
FROST: He will not see me stopping here
COUNSELOR: I don’t think anyone will.
FROST: To watch his woods fill up with snow.
COUNSELOR: Uh…how?
