Vergil Meets Cerberus

VERGIL: Here, Cerberus, with triple-throated roar, / Made all the region ring, and there he lay—
CERBERUS (1): Excuse me
CERBERUS (2): And me
CERBERUS (3): And me
CERBERUS: Our pronouns are
CERBERUS (1): They/
CERBERUS (2): Them/
CERBERUS (3): Their.
VERGIL: Here, Cerberus, with triple throated roar, / Made all the region ring, and there they lay.
CERBERUS: Good boy.

Poetry Crisis Lime part 2

Read Part 1 here.

SFX (coconuts): clop clop    clop clop    clop clop    clop clop


JUICED ORANGE HALVES: It’s only a flesh wound!

HARRY NILSSON: And call me in the mo-orning.

Listen to “Coconut” by Harry Nilsson here.

Did you know that Harry Nilsson supplied the actual coconuts used in Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Read more here.

Abraham Lincoln calls the Poetry Crisis Line

Happy Presidents Day from the Poetry Crisis Line!

PATIENCE (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN (caller): My childhood’s home I see again, and sadden with the view.
PATIENCE: These are difficult times, sir. Many people have had to move back home. There’s no shame in it. And if watching The View makes you sad, you can change the channel.

From “My Childhood Home I See Again” by Abraham Lincoln.

Poetry Crisis Valentines 2021

This year’s Poetry Crisis Valentines:

Roses are red,
Mushrooms are crude.
I saw your great mind
starving, mad, nude.

Roses are red,
violets are blue;
This is the oppressor’s language,
but I need it with you.

Some roses are red,
Some roses are pink;
We’re surrounded by water
With nothing to drink.

Roses are fed
by insects and worms.
Does Man love Art?
Man visits, but squirms.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I told not my Love
& how my Love grew!

Roses are dead,
Violets are through.
I told you my love.
I no longer love you.

Roses are red,
Shakespear’s a hack.
The hair on your head
Is under attack!

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
Competent leadership
should not seem so new!

Click here to see Poetry Crisis Valentines from past years.


Clement Clarke Moore calls the Poetry Crisis Line on the Night Before Christmas

ROSIE (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
CLEMENT CLARKE MOORE: ‘Twas the night before Christmas
ROSIE: ‘Tis!
MOORE: When—
ROSIE: Right now!
MOORE: All through the house
ROSIE: All through the Western Hemisphere!

From “A Visit from St. Nicholas,” by Clement Clarke Moore

Dana Gioia calls the Poetry Crisis Line

Happy Thanksgiving!

From “Poem 048: Thanks for Remembering Us” by Dana Gioia

KIM (counselor): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
DANA GIOIA (caller): The flowers sent here by mistake, Signed with a name that no one knew, Are turning bad. What shall we do?
KIM: Have you tried plant food?
GIOIA: Our neighbor says they’re not for her
KIM: Not for her—for the flowers. What about cutting the stems?
GIOIA: And no one has a birthday near.
KIM: You don’t need an occasion to get a trim.
GIOIA: We should thank someone for the blunder.
KIM: If you want to.
GIOIA: Is one of us having an affair?
KIM: I couldn’t answer that if I knew.
GIOIA: At first we laugh—and then we wonder.
KIM: Confidentiality, you understand.