It’s Green Eggs and Ham meets The Truman Show, and it’s a portal fantasy.
I do not think I’m on TV
With lots of people watching me.
Then can you explain this wizard
And that fire-breathing lizard?
But who would put me on TV?
That’s not a show I’d want to see.
Would you want to watch the show
If it had a talking crow?
I would not want to watch that show,
Not even with a talking crow.
I would not watch me with a wizard
Or a fire-breathing lizard.
I would not watch me on TV,
It just does not appeal to me.
If we sent you somewhere scenic
Would you watch you with a phoenix?
I would not watch me with a phoenix
Even if the views are scenic.
I would not want to watch that show,
Not even with a talking crow.
I would not watch me with a lizard
Or a fire-breathing wizard.
I would not watch me on TV,
Not even if the channel’s free.
Would you watch you on a boat?
Or an island that can float?
I would not watch me on a boat
Or an island that can float.
I would not watch me somewhere scenic,
I would not watch me with a phoenix.
I do not want to watch that show,
Not even with a talking crow,
Not with a lizard, not with a wizard,
Nor if it’s free. Put down the TV.
Would you watch you on a throne
Carved from a single, monstrous bone?
I would not watch what you have shown,
Not even from a throne of bone
Somewhere scenic on a boat
Or an island that can float,
Not with a phoenix or a crow,
I do not want to watch that show,
Not with a lizard, not with a wizard.
Turn off the TV—there’s nothing to see.
Would you watch you with a sword
That too easily gets bored?
I would not watch me with a sword
That too easily gets bored—
Do you think I’m off my gourd?
Not from a throne crafted from bone,
Not on a boat or an island that floats,
No matter how scenic. Not with a phoenix.
Not with a crow hosting the show,
Not with a wizard, not with a lizard.
Turn off that stuff. I’ve heard enough.
Would you watch you in a world
In which space and time are curled?
I would not watch me in a world
In which space and time are curled,
I would not watch me in a world
In which space and time are curled,
I would not—have we gotten stuck?
Viewers at home, you’re out of luck.
If you would escape this wheel,
I’m sure by now you know the deal:
The only way—you’ve got to know—
Is to sit and watch the show.
Fine! If it will set me free,
I will watch me on TV.
That’s all I need for you to see.
[On TV:
I wonder what’s behind this door—
I haven’t seen it here before.
Try it, try it, and you’ll see.
(I’ll just rub my hands with glee.)
Very well, I’ll try the door.
Ack! Is that a manticore?]
Now I’ve watched the show I’m in.
The plots are all absurdly thin,
The sets are cheap, the friends are fake,
The whole thing is a big mistake.
I don’t know why you think I’d feel
That any of this stuff is real.
But you were there!
But I don’t care.
Now that I have watched my show
I still don’t like it. Can I go?