The Queen of Cheese Presents: Before I Kill You: An Arch-Villainelle

Although I’m not particularly vain,

I’m sure you’d like to know how you will die,

so, first, before I kill you, I’ll explain


my brilliant plan. Don’t bother to complain;

you won’t escape, no matter how you try.

It’s not that I’m particularly vain,


it’s just that after taking all these pains

I would like you to look me in the eye

before I kill you, so I can explain:


a cistern in the mountain gathers rain

through ducts in my enormous statue’s eye

(not that I am particularly vain).


It enters a robotic water main,

which, on command, can self-electrify.

Before I kill you, now, I will explain:


I’ve added some enhancements to my brain—

you’ll nev—What’s that? You’re out? Good grief! Good bye;

good riddance. It’s a good thing I’m not vain;

next time, before I kill you, I’ll explain.


First published in Stone Telling

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