Hamlet calls the Poetry Crisis Line part 3

Find part 1 here

and part 2 here


COUNSELOR #3: Poetry Crisis Line, Unrequited Love Division. Do you want Boy-Girl, Boy-Boy, Girl-Girl, May-December, Rich-Poor, Families Each Alike in Dignity…

CALLER: That patient merit of the unworthy takes,

COUNSELOR #3: Ex is seeing a freeloader. Got it. Transferring you now.

COUNSELOR #4: Poetry Crisis Line, Unrequited Love Division. Moocher Desk. How may I help you?

CALLER: When he himself might his quietus make / With a bare bodkin?

COUNSELOR #4: Isn’t that how most people make it? Unless they’re in a hurry.

CALLER: who would fardels bear,

COUNSELOR #4 [frantically paging through dictionary]: Uh….that’s a good question. Who would fardels bear?

CALLER: To grunt and sweat under—

COUNSELOR #4: Hang on–were you watching them do it?

CALLER:  a weary life,

COUNSELOR #4: Now wait. Whatever you’re feeling now, it’s not worth dying–

CALLER: But that the dread of something after death,

COUNSELOR #4: What, like a bad epitaph?

CALLER: The undiscover’d country

COUNSELOR #4: A bad Star Trek movie?

CALLER:  from whose bourn

COUNSELOR #4: I haven’t seen the Bourne movies yet, but–

CALLER: No traveller returns,

COUNSELOR#4: Wait, don’t give away the ending.

CALLER:  puzzles the will

COUNSELOR #4: So it’s one of those movies where he has to solve a puzzle before he can inherit? Wait, why are we talking about movies?

CALLER: And makes us rather bear those ills we have / Than fly to others that we know not of?

COUNSELOR #4: So if you frame it in movies, you don’t have to face your issues directly?

CALLER: Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

COUNSELOR #4: You’re right. Everyone does it sometimes.

CALLER: And thus the native hue of resolution / Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,

COUNSELOR #4: But then if everyone does, it,  maybe it isn’t so cowardly as you say.

CALLER:  And enterprises of great pith and moment / With this regard their currents turn awry,

COUNSELOR #4: Well, it’s better to face things obliquely than not at all.

CALLER: And lose the name of action.

COUNSELOR #4: I understand. You don’t want to call it “action” if you’re not facing it directly. But even Perseus used a mirror when he slew Medusa.

CALLER: –Soft you now!

COUNSELOR #4: What? Did you just shush me?

CALLER: The fair Ophelia! [CALLER sets down phone and wanders off]

COUNSELOR #4: Hello?

CALLER:  Nymph, in thy orisons / Be all my sins remember’d.

COUNSELOR #4: Hello? Are you still there?

One thought on “Hamlet calls the Poetry Crisis Line part 3”

  1. Excellente! If Hamlet called the crisis hot line then it was to counsel the counseler nay pay the piper whippersniper his unjust due . Who? Who indeed does the bell toll ? It tolls for thee. #Hemingway #Shakespearesghost .

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