Find part 1 here
and part 2 here
COUNSELOR #3: Poetry Crisis Line, Unrequited Love Division. Do you want Boy-Girl, Boy-Boy, Girl-Girl, May-December, Rich-Poor, Families Each Alike in Dignity…
CALLER: That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
COUNSELOR #3: Ex is seeing a freeloader. Got it. Transferring you now.
COUNSELOR #4: Poetry Crisis Line, Unrequited Love Division. Moocher Desk. How may I help you?
CALLER: When he himself might his quietus make / With a bare bodkin?
COUNSELOR #4: Isn’t that how most people make it? Unless they’re in a hurry.
CALLER: who would fardels bear,
COUNSELOR #4 [frantically paging through dictionary]: Uh….that’s a good question. Who would fardels bear?
CALLER: To grunt and sweat under—
COUNSELOR #4: Hang on–were you watching them do it?
CALLER: a weary life,
COUNSELOR #4: Now wait. Whatever you’re feeling now, it’s not worth dying–
CALLER: But that the dread of something after death,
COUNSELOR #4: What, like a bad epitaph?
CALLER: The undiscover’d country
COUNSELOR #4: A bad Star Trek movie?
CALLER: from whose bourn
COUNSELOR #4: I haven’t seen the Bourne movies yet, but–
CALLER: No traveller returns,
COUNSELOR#4: Wait, don’t give away the ending.
CALLER: puzzles the will
COUNSELOR #4: So it’s one of those movies where he has to solve a puzzle before he can inherit? Wait, why are we talking about movies?
CALLER: And makes us rather bear those ills we have / Than fly to others that we know not of?
COUNSELOR #4: So if you frame it in movies, you don’t have to face your issues directly?
CALLER: Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
COUNSELOR #4: You’re right. Everyone does it sometimes.
CALLER: And thus the native hue of resolution / Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
COUNSELOR #4: But then if everyone does, it, maybe it isn’t so cowardly as you say.
CALLER: And enterprises of great pith and moment / With this regard their currents turn awry,
COUNSELOR #4: Well, it’s better to face things obliquely than not at all.
CALLER: And lose the name of action.
COUNSELOR #4: I understand. You don’t want to call it “action” if you’re not facing it directly. But even Perseus used a mirror when he slew Medusa.
CALLER: –Soft you now!
COUNSELOR #4: What? Did you just shush me?
CALLER: The fair Ophelia! [CALLER sets down phone and wanders off]
COUNSELOR #4: Hello?
CALLER: Nymph, in thy orisons / Be all my sins remember’d.
COUNSELOR #4: Hello? Are you still there?