Abraham Lincoln calls the Poetry Crisis Line

COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is the issue you’re calling for?

CALLER: Four score

COUNSELOR: I’m sorry, sir. I can talk you through your feelings, but that is beyond the scope of this service.


COUNSELOR: Whatever you’re looking for, I cannot help you score.

CALLER: seven years ago

COUNSELOR: I don’t know who was working the phone lines then.

CALLER: our fathers

COUNSELOR: No kidding! Your dad worked here too?

CALLER: brought forth

COUNSELOR: That’s different. We only have three shifts now.

CALLER: on this continent

COUNSELOR: Oh, I meant work shifts, not plate tectonics.

CALLER: a new nation.

COUNSELOR: That’s some serious continental drift. When did you say your father worked here?

CALLER: dedicated

COUNSELOR: I’m sure he was. Everyone I’ve met here is very dedicated to the job.

CALLER: to the proposition

COUNSELOR: Oh. Uh. . . still trying to score then? Because that’s not something that I–

CALLER: that all men

COUNSELOR: Uh, did you mean #notallmen?

CALLER: are create equal.

COUNSELOR: Well, that’s true. But what about the woman? How do her feelings fit in?

CALLER: Now we are engaged.

COUNSELOR: That was quick.

CALLER: in a civil

COUNSELOR: I mean seriously, a minute ago you were trying to score, and now you’re engaged, and in a civil union?

CALLER: war,


CALLER: testing

COUNSELOR: Oh, good. For a moment I thought you were serious. So were you actually talking about the–

CALLER: whether

COUNSELOR: I can’t do anything about that.

CALLER: that nation

COUNSELOR: Uh, is this the same one you were talking about before?

CALLER: or any nation

COUNSELOR: Not very picky, then?


COUNSELOR: I’m just saying, you might want to stop, smell the roses, get to know this woman you’re talking to before she’s–

CALLER: conceived


CALLER: and so dedicated

COUNSELOR: Yes, you do sound dedicated. I don’t know how anyone can–

CALLER: can long endure.

COUNSELOR: Uh, forgive me for saying this sir, but it sounds to me like it must’ve been lightning quick.


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