Costume Ideas for Poets Part 2: More Options for Women

 

Because a friend rightly pointed out that the last post didn’t offer a lot of options for women to choose from.

James W. Hall calls the Poetry Crisis Line

COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
CALLER: All my pwoblems
COUNSELOR: Could you be more specific?

CALLER: who knows, maybe evwybody’s pwoblems
COUNSELOR: That would be less specific, sir. Can you focus on the problem you’re facing right now?
CALLER: is due to da fact,
COUNSELOR: So they all share a single cause? Like addiction or an overbearing mother?
CALLER: due to da awful truth
COUNSELOR: It’s OK. You can tell me.
CALLER: dat I am SPIDERMAN.
COUNSELOR: Wow. Really? I’m a huge fan!
CALLER: I know. I know. All da dumb jokes:
COUNSELOR: Oh, you mean like how the villains always call you “webhead,” like you haven’t heard it before?
CALLER: No flies on you, ha ha,
COUNSELOR: That one is new to me.
CALLER: and da ones about what do I do wit all / doze extwa legs in bed.
COUNSELOR: People really say that?
CALLER: Well, dat’s funny yeah.
COUNSELOR: Maybe a little bit.
CALLER: But you twy being / SPIDERMAN for a month or two.
COUNSELOR: That’s not what I was saying, I just–
CALLER: Go ahead.
COUNSELOR: I just think you should stop beating yourself up about your Uncle Ben, that’s all.

 

 

Read the original here.

Robert Service calls the Poetry Crisis Line, part 2

Read part 1 here

 

CALLER: Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee,

COUNSELOR: What part?

CALLER: where the cotton blooms and blows.

COUNSELOR: Um…

CALLER: Why he left his home in the South to roam ’round the Pole,

COUNSELOR: So he was a dancer?

CALLER: God only knows.

COUNSELOR: But you just said–

CALLER: He was always cold,

COUNSELOR: Was there visible shrinkage?

CALLER: but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell;

COUNSELOR: So he made good tips?

CALLER: Though he’d often say in his homely way

COUNSELOR: Right. So was he a good dancer? If he was homely but still got good tips.

CALLER: that “he’d sooner live in hell.”

COUNSELOR: Exotic dancing isn’t for everyone. Sometimes people burn out quickly.

William Carlos Williams re-calls the Poetry Crisis Line

COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?

CALLER: My wife’s new pink slippers
have gay pom-poms.

COUNSELOR: Is it any of your business? And how can you tell?

CALLER: There is not a spot or a stain
on their satin toes or their sides.

COUNSELOR: Hmm. But they could be metrosexual.

CALLER: All night they lie together
under her bed’s edge.

COUNSELOR: OK, that’s more convincing. But slippers just stay together.

CALLER: Shivering I catch sight of them

COUNSELOR: Oh!

CALLER: and smile,

COUNSELOR: I’m glad you’re comfortable with it. But please don’t watch them. They may want their privacy.

 

Read the original here

The Queen of Cheese Presents: The True Story of Columbus

In Fourteen Hundred and Ninety-Two

Columbus tried an open shoe

And found a lady living there

With lots of kids (but none to spare).

He called it a discovery

And, therefore, his sole property,

But when he called for golden rocks,

They sent him off with oldish socks

Because (the textbooks won’t tell you)

He was a stinker, through and through.

Pope Gregory XIII* calls the Poetry Crisis Line

COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
CALLER: Thirty days hath September,
COUNSELOR: Does that rhyme help you remember? Have you tried other innovations? Maybe free association?
CALLER: April,
COUNSELOR: Fools!
CALLER: June,
COUNSELOR: Bug!
CALLER: and November.
COUNSELOR: Thanksgiving! Wait, aren’t I supposed to be giving the cues?
CALLER: All the rest
COUNSELOR: OK, so you had the first turn, and now I take–
CALLER: have
COUNSELOR: No, I haven’t started yet. Uh… wait ’til I count to
CALLER: thirty-one,
COUNSELOR: That’s oddly specific.
CALLER: Except for February†
COUNSELOR: Not sure why it would change then, but OK. How are you feeling now?
CALLER: alone.
COUNSELOR: That can be difficult. I’m here to listen.
 ____
†And October of 1582, which only had 21 days, because Pope Gregory lost October 5-14 playing checkers with Thoth.