Self-defense against fresh fruit (revisited)

SELF-DEFENSE INSTRUCTOR: What do you do if someone comes at you with a banana?
STUDENT 3: It’s a pandemic!
STUDENT 2: Put a condom on that thing!
INSTRUCTOR: A condom? On a banana?
STUDENT 2: Fancies ‘imself an instructor.
STUDENT 3: An’ ‘e’s never put a condom on a banana.
STUDENT 2: It’s all I remember from secondary school.

R. Buckminster Fuller calls the Architecture Crisis Line

Happy 126th birthday to R. Buckminster Fuller!

TED (counselor): Architecture Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
R. BUCKMINSTER FULLER (caller): Everything you’ve learned in school as “obvious” becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe.
TED: Maybe that could inspire you to come up with new ideas.
FULLER: For example, there are no solids in the universe.
TED: That would make it hard to do construction. 
FULLER: There’s not even a suggestion of a solid.
TED: Is there a suggestion box? Maybe you can write one in.
FULLER: There are no absolute continuums.
TED: Are there pens?
FULLER: There are no surfaces.
TED: Right. Maybe you can put the suggestion card on your knee to fill it out?
FULLER: There are no straight lines.
TED: Don’t be embarrassed about your handwriting. I’m sure somebody will be able to read it.

D.H. Rumsfeld calls the Poetry Crisis Line

ROSIE (COUNSELOR): Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?

D.H. RUMSFELD (CALLER): As we know,  / There are known knowns.

ROSIE:  I see.

D.H. RUMSFELD: There are things we know we know.

ROSIE: But can we truly know anything?

D.H. RUMSFELD: We also know / There are known unknowns.

ROSIE: You’re tripping me out, man.

D.H. RUMSFELD: That is to say / We know there are some things / We do not know.

ROSIE: I know!

D.H. RUMSFELD: But there are also unknown unknowns,

ROSIE: Wow, that’s deep.

D.H. RUMSFELD: The ones we don’t know

ROSIE: Like the sound of one hand clapping.

D.H. RUMSFELD: We don’t know.

ROSIE: Namaste, my brother. Namaste.

KIM (COWORKER): Who was that?

ROSIE: I don’t know. Some hippie.

A conversation between Luigi Pirandello and Mel Brooks

Happy birthday to Luigi Pirandello, who is 154 years old today, and Mel Brooks, who is holding steady at 2000.

LUIGI PIRANDELLO: Life is full of infinite absurdities, which, strangely enough, do not even need to appear plausible, since they are true.
MEL BROOKS: Humor is just another defense against the universe.
PIRANDELLO: Each of us, face to face with other men, is clothed with some sort of dignity,
BROOKS: But I have bad taste with a deep fount of intellectuality.
PIRANDELLO:  but we know only too well the unspeakable things that go on in the heart.
BROOKS: Everything we do is based on fear, especially love.
PIRANDELLO: If only we could see in advance all the harm that can come from the good we think we are doing.
BROOKS: As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.

Barry Manilow calls the Easy Listening Crisis Line

Happy 78th birthday to Barry Manilow

COUNSELOR: Easy Listening Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
BARRY MANILOW (caller): You know, I can’t smile without you.
COUNSELOR: I did not know that.
MANILOW: I can’t smile without you.
COUNSELOR: Thank you for telling me.
MANILOW: I can’t laugh, and I can’t sing.
COUNSELOR: Can you breathe OK?
MANILOW: I’m finding it hard to do anything.
COUNSELOR: Hold on, sir. I’m dispatching an ambulance to your location.

Vergil Meets Cerberus

VERGIL: Here, Cerberus, with triple-throated roar, / Made all the region ring, and there he lay—
CERBERUS (1): Excuse me
CERBERUS (2): And me
CERBERUS (3): And me
CERBERUS: Our pronouns are
CERBERUS (1): They/
CERBERUS (2): Them/
CERBERUS (3): Their.
VERGIL: Here, Cerberus, with triple throated roar, / Made all the region ring, and there they lay.
CERBERUS: Good boy.