(to the tune of “A Girl Like You” by The Smithereens)
You can say anything you want to believe,
I just don’t give a @#!?
You can be anyone you want (except me)
For the monthly cost of just eight bucks…
[Elon Busk]
Category: Rock & Roll Crisis Line
Queen of Cheese Presents: couldn’t stop
When I was a young boy,
my mama told me, “Son,
stick with the modern poets,
don’t bother reading Donne,”
but I read the Holy Sonnets
just to watch Death die,
and when I saw Emily Dickin-
son, I rolled on by.
Leonard Cohen calls the Rock & Roll Epidemiology Line
DR FAUCI (counselor): Poetry Epidemiology Line, what is your public health crisis?
LEONARD COHEN (caller): If you want a lover, I’ll
do anything you ask me to.
FAUCI: Will you get vaccinated?
COHEN: And if you want a different kind of love, I’ll wear a mask for you.
FAUCI: That’s what I’m asking everyone to do, yes.
Jumpin’ the Shark
Sharp teeth,
Thick skin,
Terrify you with my dorsal fin.
You leave the water as fast as you can.
People run screaming from a shark-dressed man.
Michael Stipe calls the Rock & Roll Crisis Line, part 2
View Part 1 here.
MICHAEL STIPE (caller): I’m breaking through,
MOE (counselor): Did you ask the elephant for help?
STIPE: I’m bending spoons,
MOE: Also no problem for an elephant.
STIPE: I’m planting flowers in full bloom.
MOE: I don’t think an elephant would be good at that.
[VISUAL: Elephant in a gardening hat, unaware that she is trampling freshly planted flowers.]
STIPE: I’m looking for answers from the great–
MOE: The Great Gatsby? Great Expectations? Grated cheese?
STIPE: answers from The Great Beyond.
MOE: The astral plane? The aethereal plane? The microplane?
Michael Stipe calls the Rock & Roll Crisis Line, part 1
MOE (counselor): Rock & Roll Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
MICHAEL STIPE (caller): I’m pushing an elephant up the stairs.
MOE: Uh…
STIPE: I’m tossing out punch lines
MOE: Right. Uh…don’t stand too close behind an elephant.
STIPE: that were never there.
MOE: It’s a good place not to be. It could get messy.
STIPE: Over my shoulder
MOE: Your shoulder, your face, everywhere.
STIPE: a piano falls
MOE: Wait, are you describing a dream?
STIPE: crashing to the ground.
MOE: Because that sounds a bit like a REM state.
Gnarls Barkley calls the Rock & Roll Crisis Line
MOE (counselor): Rock & Roll Crisis Line, what is your Emergency?
CEELO GREEN (GNARLS BARKLEY vocalist [caller]): I remember when I remember when I lost my mind.
MOE: Knowing when is a start. Do you recall where you put it?
Debbie Harry calls the Rock & Roll Crisis Line
Happy birthday to Debbie Harry, who is 76 today.
HARRY (counselor): Rock & Roll Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
DEBBIE HARRY (caller): One way or another I’m gonna find you, I’m gonna get you get you get you get you.
HARRY: Uh…are you sure that’s not my emergency?
Poet’s answer an age-old question: Bob Dylan on why the chicken crossed the road
Happy 80th birthday to Bob Dylan!
How many roads must a chicken cross
Before you can call her a hen?
And what is the reason she crossed that road?
And what did she do then?
The eggs are, my friend, they’re rollin’ in the wind.
The eggs are, they’re rollin in the wind.
Leonard Cohen calls the Rock & Roll Crisis Line
COUNSELOR: Rock & Roll Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
LEONARD COHEN (caller): They sentenced me to 20 years of boredom
COUNSELOR: That sounds cruel & unusual. What was the charge?
COHEN: For trying to change the system from within.
COUNSELOR: Which administration?
COHEN: I’m coming now
COUNSELOR: Oh. That should just be 4 to 8 years of boredom.
COHEN: I’m coming to reward them.
COUNSELOR: That sounds premature. What are you getting them?
COHEN: First we take Manhattan
COUNSELOR: I thought they had New York locked down.
COHEN: Then we take Berlin!
COUNSELOR: But that’s not–…oh, wait. Do you mean the cities? Or, like…a cocktail and a jelly doughnut?