The Ancient Mariner calls the Poetry Crisis Line (illustrated)
H. D. calls the Poetry Crisis Line
COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
CALLER: The sea called—
COUNSELOR: No kidding! What did it say?
CALLER: you faced the estuary,
COUNSELOR: Cool. What did I see there?
CALLER: you were drowned
COUNSELOR: I was WHAT???
CALLER: as the tide passed.—
COUNSELOR: Righ. Um…
CALLER: I am glad of this—
COUNSELOR: What have I ever done to you?
CALLER: at least you have escaped.
COUNSELOR: No I haven’t. My shift doesn’t end until midnight.
From “Loss” by H. D. Read the original here.
Green Eggs and Ham meets The Truman Show (as a portal fantasy)
It’s Green Eggs and Ham meets The Truman Show, and it’s a portal fantasy.
I do not think I’m on TV
With lots of people watching me.
Then can you explain this wizard
And that fire-breathing lizard?
But who would put me on TV?
That’s not a show I’d want to see.
Would you want to watch the show
If it had a talking crow?
I would not want to watch that show,
Not even with a talking crow.
I would not watch me with a wizard
Or a fire-breathing lizard.
I would not watch me on TV,
It just does not appeal to me.
If we sent you somewhere scenic
Would you watch you with a phoenix?
I would not watch me with a phoenix
Even if the views are scenic.
I would not want to watch that show,
Not even with a talking crow.
I would not watch me with a lizard
Or a fire-breathing wizard.
I would not watch me on TV,
Not even if the channel’s free.
Would you watch you on a boat?
Or an island that can float?
I would not watch me on a boat
Or an island that can float.
I would not watch me somewhere scenic,
I would not watch me with a phoenix.
I do not want to watch that show,
Not even with a talking crow,
Not with a lizard, not with a wizard,
Nor if it’s free. Put down the TV.
Would you watch you on a throne
Carved from a single, monstrous bone?
I would not watch what you have shown,
Not even from a throne of bone
Somewhere scenic on a boat
Or an island that can float,
Not with a phoenix or a crow,
I do not want to watch that show,
Not with a lizard, not with a wizard.
Turn off the TV—there’s nothing to see.
Would you watch you with a sword
That too easily gets bored?
I would not watch me with a sword
That too easily gets bored—
Do you think I’m off my gourd?
Not from a throne crafted from bone,
Not on a boat or an island that floats,
No matter how scenic. Not with a phoenix.
Not with a crow hosting the show,
Not with a wizard, not with a lizard.
Turn off that stuff. I’ve heard enough.
Would you watch you in a world
In which space and time are curled?
I would not watch me in a world
In which space and time are curled,
I would not watch me in a world
In which space and time are curled,
I would not—have we gotten stuck?
Viewers at home, you’re out of luck.
If you would escape this wheel,
I’m sure by now you know the deal:
The only way—you’ve got to know—
Is to sit and watch the show.
Fine! If it will set me free,
I will watch me on TV.
That’s all I need for you to see.
[On TV:
I wonder what’s behind this door—
I haven’t seen it here before.
Try it, try it, and you’ll see.
(I’ll just rub my hands with glee.)
Very well, I’ll try the door.
Ack! Is that a manticore?]
Now I’ve watched the show I’m in.
The plots are all absurdly thin,
The sets are cheap, the friends are fake,
The whole thing is a big mistake.
I don’t know why you think I’d feel
That any of this stuff is real.
But you were there!
But I don’t care.
Now that I have watched my show
I still don’t like it. Can I go?
Giorgos Seferis calls the Poetry Crisis Line
COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
CALLER: Since we still had some hardtack / how stupid of us / to go ashore and eat
COUNSELOR: Did you stop at some waterfront dive?
CALLER: the Sun’s slow cattle,
COUNSELOR: Oh. Ship’s rations can be bland, but cattle rustling?
CALLER: for each was a castle
COUNSELOR: Oh—cas-tle. I thought you said—
CALLER: you’d have to battle / forty years,
COUNSELOR: You had a hankering for siegefood?
CALLER: till you’d become / a hero
COUNSELOR: So now you are the sandwich?
CALLER: and a star!
COUNSELOR: Oh, are you in one of those places that names sandwiches after celebrities?
CALLER: On the earth’s back
COUNSELOR: How do you know which side is which?
CALLER: we hungered,
COUNSELOR: Is the food better in the front?
CALLER: but when we’d eaten well / we fell to these lower regions / mindless and satisfied.
COUNSELOR: Yeah, that sometimes happens to me when I’ve eaten too much.
CALLER: …
Read the rest of “The Companions in Hades” by Giorgos Seferis here.
If all poems were limericks: William Carlos Williams (This Is Just to Say)
I seem to have eaten the plums
you were saving ’til morningtime comes–
so sweet, and so cold.
So, now that we’re old,
forgive me for acting so dumb?
Roald Dahl calls the Poetry Crisis Line
COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
CALLER: As I was going to St Ives
COUNSELOR: This sounds familiar.
CALLER: I met a man with seven wives
COUNSELOR: And you want to know how many cats they had in their forty-nine sacks?
CALLER: Said he, ‘I think it’s much more fun / Than getting stuck with only one.’
COUNSELOR: But more work too, I’d imagine.
CALLER: . . .
COUNSELOR: I mean, emotional labor. With eight people, the housework must go swimmingly.
CALLER: . . .
COUNSELOR: Uh. . . except for cleaning up after three hundred and forty-three cats.
Click here to read “St. Ives” and other poems by Roald Dahl.
Queen of Cheese Classics: “Ode on the Mammoth Cheese Weighing over 7,000 Pounds,” by James McIntyre
We have seen the Queen of cheese,
Laying quietly at your ease,
Gently fanned by evening breeze —
Thy fair form no flies dare seize.
All gaily dressed soon you’ll go
To the great Provincial Show,
To be admired by many a beau
In the city of Toronto.
Cows numerous as a swarm of bees —
Or as the leaves upon the trees —
It did require to make thee please,
And stand unrivalled Queen of Cheese.
May you not receive a scar as
We have heard that Mr. Harris
Intends to send you off as far as
The great World’s show at Paris.
Of the youth — beware of these —
For some of them might rudely squeeze
And bite your cheek; then songs or glees
We could not sing o’ Queen of Cheese.
We’rt thou suspended from baloon,
You’d cast a shade, even at noon;
Folks would think it was the moon
About to fall and crush them soon.
Poetry Crisis Line training: Hamlet
Occasionally, the Poetry Crisis Line counselors need retraining. Below is the transcript of a meeting with counselors from the Main Desk, the Deus ex Machina department, and the Unrequited Love Desk.
(If you’ve missed the run-up, you can follow these links to read part 1, part 2, and part 3)
SUPERVISOR: Do you know why I called this meeting?
UNREQUITED LOVE: Screening errors?
MAIN: Mixed metaphors?
SUPERVISOR: Do you remember this caller?
[plays back recording of HAMLET call]
HAMLET [recorded]: To be or not to be…
MAIN: Oh yeah. I transferred him to the Deus Ex Machina Desk.
DEUS EX MACHINA: And I sent him to Unrequited Love.
UNREQUITED: And he wadered off in the middle of the call. How is he?
SUP: Dead.
MAIN: Oh no.
UNREQUITED: Did he kill himself?
SUP [nods]: And his girlfriend.
UNREQ: Oh no.
SUP: And her brother.
MAIN: That’s terrible.
SUP: And their father.
UNREQ: Damn.
SUP: And his mother.
DEUS: Crap.
MAIN: Are you sure? All of these people?
SUP: And his uncle and stepfather.
MAIN: His uncle and his stepfather. On top of all the rest?
SUP: No, his uncle and stepfather. One person.
UNREQ: That’s kind of creepy.
SUP: Apparently he was the target. The rest were collateral damage.
MAIN: Really?
DEUS: Dude must have lousy aim.
SUP: So when you had this caller on the phone, did he seem depressed.
MAIN: Oh yeah.
DEUS: Clearly.
UNREQ: Totally.
SUP: Did he talk about death?
UNREQ: Oh yeah
MAIN: Constantly.
DEUS: Whatever he said, it always came back to death.
SUP: And you didnn’t think to call me?
DEUS: No.
UNREQ? Not really.
MAIN: Why would we?
SUP: Because he was depressed, and talking about death.
DEUS: And?
MAIN: This is the Poetry Crisis Line, you know.
UNREQ: Everyone’s depressed.
DEUS: And death obsessed.
UNREQ: And lonely.
SUP: [long sigh] OK, we’re going to do some training to recognize when a caller is in danger. But if something like this happens again, please get a supervisor on right away. Or…at least somewhere along the line.
If All Poems Were Limericks Illustrated: Mother Goose
Art and limerick by David Sklar