COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, how may I help you?
CALLER: To be or not to be, that is the question…
COUNSELOR: Would you like me to transfer you to Existential Crises?
CALLER: …whether tis nobler in the mind to bear..
COUNSELOR: …OK, nobility of thought. That sounds like a poetry emergency.
CALLER: …the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune…
COUNSELOR: You have an outrageous fortune? May I transfer you to our fundraising department? Our endowment is funded by the estates of top-grossing poets, which gives us a monthly operating budget of about $37.
CALLER: …or to take arms against a sea of troubles…
COUNSELOR: Got it. Mixed metaphor department. Let me just
CALLER:…and so, by opposing, end them.
COUNSELOR: Right. Transferring you to the deus ex machina desk.