COUNSELOR: Poetry Crisis Line, what is your emergency?
CALLER: The one with one son: have you seen him?
COUNSELOR: I don’t know. How would I recognize him?
CALLER: I have seen him.
COUNSELOR: Okay, what does he look like?
CALLER: He lies under the wall, weeping bitterly.
COUNSELOR: Since the election, that could be anyone.
CALLER: The one with two sons: have you seen him?
COUNSELOR: Is this a different guy, or did the first one have another kid?
CALLER: I have.
COUNSELOR: Great. What does he look like?
CALLER: He lives in a brick house and eats bread.
COUNSELOR: That’s not a lot to go on.
CALLER: The one with three sons: have you seen him?
COUNSELOR: How should I know?
CALLER: He drinks from a waterskin filled from the deepest wells.
COUNSELOR: Everyone carries a water bottle these days.
CALLER: The one with four sons, have you seen him?
COUNSELOR: Have you?
CALLER: I have.
COUNSELOR: Let me guess. He lives in a third-story walk-up and eats cold pizza?
CALLER: His heart rejoices.
COUNSELOR: Good to appreciate the simple things.
CALLER: The one with five sons,
COUNSELOR: That’s a lot of kids.
CALLER: Have you seen him?
COUNSELOR: He lives in a rent-controlled brownstone and drinks lots of coffee?
CALLER: I have.
COUNSELOR: Who hasn’t?
CALLER: Like a good writer,
COUNSELOR: Yeah, writers drink lots of coffee.
CALLER: scribe to a king
COUNSELOR: Wait, were you actually talking about his handwriting?
CALLER: His hand is firm; he brings justice to the palace.
COUNSELOR: That must be some serious penmanship.
CALLER: The man with six sons
COUNSELOR: Do these boys have a mother? Because she must be seriously tired.
CALLER: Have you seen him?
COUNSELOR: Why, does he get around?
CALLER: I have.
COUNSELOR: Good for you. Use protection.
CALLER: Like
COUNSELOR: Condoms, dental dams, you know.
CALLER: the man
COUNSELOR: Oh, right. He lives on the Upper West Side and shops at Whole Foods?
CALLER: who guides the plow,
COUNSELOR: A farmer who shops at Whole Foods?
CALLER: Pulled by four oxen
COUNSELOR: They must wreak havoc in the vegetable aisle.
CALLER: The one with seven sons,
COUNSELOR: He lives in a penthouse and has a reality show? I mean, seriously, seven sons?
CALLER: have you seen him?
COUNSELOR: What channel is he on?
CALLER: Like a man close to the gods, he
COUNSELOR: Must pull in some serious ratings.
CALLER: sits upon a throne and listens to music.
COUNSELOR: What, like Simon Cowell? Never mind. Let me get this straight–you want me on the lookout for a man on horseback drinking water, a man in a brick house eating bread, a man in a minaret eating onions, a man in a glass house throwing stones, a wolf in a straw house eating pork, a hipster in Soho eating sushi, a guy in a pink house camping with melons, a man at a farm stand smashing pumpkins, a man at Whole Foods eating half a sandwich, a werewolf drinking a piña colada at Trader Joe’s, and something about a vessel with a pestle. Was there anyone else?
CALLER: The man who fell from a rooftop
COUNSELOR: Oh good grief
CALLER: Have you seen him?
COUNSELOR: He lives in a house with a leaky, unpatched roof?
CALLER: I have.
COUNSELOR: I have too. Had to take the landlord to court to get it fixed. You wouldn’t believe what a pain that was.
CALLER: His broken bones do not mend in the places below.
COUNSELOR: Okay, maybe you would believe.
CALLER: The one who died a sudden death: have you seen him?
COUNSELOR: You mean walking around?
CALLER: I have.
COUNSELOR: Was he in Penn Station? I’ve seen a few people in the terminal who look like…
CALLER: He sleeps at night on a couch and drinks pure water.
COUNSELOR: That’s good to know.
CALLER: The one who was slain in battle: have you seen him?
COUNSELOR: I’ve been to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Does that count?
CALLER: I have.
COUNSELOR: Of course you have.
CALLER: His father raises his head and his wife tends the corpse.
COUNSELOR: That sounds more like the Pieta of the Unknown Soldier.
CALLER: The one whose body was thrown into the wasteland:
COUNSELOR: Malory’s Wasteland, or Eliot’s?
CALLER: have you seen him?
COUNSELOR: I once saw a bog mummy in the Museum of Natural History.
CALLER: I have.
COUNSELOR: Is there anyone you haven’t seen?
CALLER: His spirit does not rest in the underworld.
COUNSELOR: He looked awfully serene behind glass.
CALLER: The one whose spirit has no one left alive to love him: have you seen him?
COUNSELOR: No, but I bet you have.
CALLER: I have.
COUNSELOR: Nailed it.
CALLER: The left-overs of the pot, the scraps of bread thrown into the gutter / he eats.
COUNSELOR: Does he observe the five-second rule?